by Trevor Hopkins (email)
|Character Name||Description||Dress Code||Secret||Assistant||Question||No||Answer||Introduction|
|1||Jules Bond||An International Man of Mystery. Visits many foreign parts, and meets many interesting people - sometimes very briefly.||Wears a black jacket, bow tie, white shirt, slicked back hair. Always armed for protection.||Baron was not really a Baron! Actually a spy for Moldavia. The baron dissappeared long ago on a secret mission.||Molly Mahone||Why were you watching the Baroness's home?||1||I was trying to find out what happened to the Baron?||The name is Bond, Jules Bond. In the course of my work, I have met many of you. Some of you understand the nature of my business. For those of you who do not, let me explain. I am frequently employed to check the provenance of valuable artefacts from around the world - and sometimes even people. That is to say, I find out their past history. I work for many people and everybody pays me. Most recently I have been working for the Baroness.|
|2||Bruce Danunder||Australian surfer and private investigator. Bruce has performed various commissions for the late Baroness.||Often wears Bermuda shorts, an open-necked Hawaiian shirt and sandals (no socks!). Digeridoo can be supplied if required.||Has been working for the Baroness for many years to try and find her missing son. Secretly found him in the first two weeks but has been on a retainer from the Baroness for the last decade in order to maintain his lavish lifestyle.||Bertha Broadbotham||Do you know what happened to the Baroness's son?||2||Yes, but I'm not going to tell you!||G'day Cobbers and Shiela's.
My name is Bruce Danunder and ust for you who don't travel much, I'm
an Aussie. Strewth. Tie me Kangeroo down.
I've been invited to this gathering 'cos I've been helping out her Ladyship with a few interesting problems of a private nature. Whenever I get a few minutes, I chuck another prawn on the Barbie, and go surfing. Any of you girls called Barbie? No? Well, just surfing today them.
|4||Arfur Dailly||A shifty character, who knows many people. Arfur has a finger in many business pies.||Never to be found without his trademark Trilby hat and camel coat.||Arfur has been selling fake Egyptian artefacts (bought from Professor McNut) to the Baroness.||Meg Mystic||Who did you buy the Egyptian artefacts from?||2||From Professor Nutty McNut!||Most
of you know me. I'm Arfer - Arfer
Dailly. You wanna get good gear quick,
I'm yer man. Or at least I know a man
who can. Always gotta see yer wad
first, o'course, 'cos I ain't a trusting kinda geezer.
I've been flogging gear to her Ladyship for quite a while now. But all the stuff what I deal in is blindin' and fully aufenticated by me close associates. So, I never, ever does any dodgy deals.
|5||Mulch the Gardener||Mulch was the late Baroness' gardener for many years. Reputed never to have left the estate.||Always wear Wellies and has trousers tied with string. Jumper with holes or worn green jacket. Always carries a trowel.||Saw Dollar Moss sneaking around the grounds, and steal the Hippo.||Lucy Lastic||Who did you see sneaking around in the grounds?||2||Dollar Moss||Me name's Mulch. I'm the gardener hearabouts. Been 'ere longer than I can remember. Never goes nowhere - never wants to. I does all me Ladyship's digging, sometimes I does 'er burying 'n'all, har, har - just my little joke you understand. But I sees everyfin what's goin' on - the good, the bad and the ugly. Nuffin get's past me.|
|6||Samantha Snoop||Local reporter for the Daily Herald newspapers. Usually covers church fetes, but fancies herself as a great investigator.||Wears no-nonsense clothing. Always carries pencil behind the ear and a reporters notepad.||Steals her reports from other people. Stole a report from a secret and anonymous source of information who says that the late Baroness collection of artefacts from around the world are FAKE!||Pinky Beasts||Are the late Baroness's precious collection of ancient and precious artefacts real or fake?||2||Some of them are fake - perhaps all of them!||My name's Samatha Snoop. I know this because it's written on my
press pass. I'm a brilliant
investigator for the "Daily Herald". But they keep on making me report on Church
fetes, coffee mornings, and birthday parties.
I've been investigating away for ages now, trying to find out just what's been going on at the Manor. And I'm very close to discovering everything. Oh, yes, I am!
|7||Classy Galore||International hairdresser and beautician. Personal stylist to the late Baroness.||Beautifully dressed and elegantly coiffed at all times. Always carries a hairbrush.||Sold the antique French Clock to the late Baroness. Tried to steal the clock back in collusion with George Timepiece and Basil Bossy.||Molly Mahone||Why did you want the fake clock?||2||I wanted to get Basil Bossy to swap it for the real clock||Hi, I'm Classy - Classy Galore.
I often get my profile in high-profile magazines.
I used to dress the Baroness's hair - hairdressing's my speciality - and gave her the most fabulous facials. You can see my hairdressing and facial skills in this photograph of the Baroness. Doesn't she look absolutely fabulous?
Being fabulous is my speciality, too! Don't you agree?
|10||Rt. Hon Phoebe "Hammy" Hamilton||Hammy is a Tomboy of the first order. Very sporting. Frequently found at parties.||Often wears smart and stylish men's clothing and a hat.||Has worked out why the Baroness was killed, and who dunnit.||Meg Mystic||Why was the Baroness murdered?||2||Because she was close to finding out what had happened to her long lost son.||Well, hello everybody. Isn't this a super party. Everyone who is anyone is here! Super! I'm the Right Honourable Phoebe Hamilton. My chums call me "Hammy" - sometimes they call me "Dishonourable Hammy", because of all my party antics. I always go to the most super parties - they are always super because I'm there. Isn't that super!|
|12||Mata Hairie||Describes herself as a retired exotic dancer. Seems to travel a lot, and knows lots of people.||Dramatic and colourful gown, with lots of feathers. A very mysterious person.||Actually also a spy. Was rescued dramatically byt the Baron, before he fell to his death.||Bertha Broadbotham||Who rescued you from certain death?||1||The Baron.||Well hello. I am Mata Hairie. I am an exotic dancer, now retired. In my younger days, I danced exotically with my exotic snake, in many exotic locations, all over the world. I have met many exotic persons, fed upon much exotic food, and saw many exotic scenes.|
|14||Dr. Sue Diggett||A famous archaeologist and explorer of mysterious and ancient tombs and temples.||Dresses for jungle exploration at all times. Wears a hat, and always carries a map.||Expert in ancient Egyptian artefacts. Knows the Egyptian artefacts are all fake. But, did not tell the Baroness!||Molly Mahone||Are the Egyptian artefacts real or fake?||2||They all all fake!||Hi. I'm Doctor Sue
Diggitt. I have been interested in
ancient Egypt all my life.
I am quite sure that I am the reincarnation of an Egyptian princess. I have explored the whole of ancient Egypt, from the Pyramids in Giza to the Temples in Luxor. I have swum in the Nile, and not been eated by crocodiles. So, I must be a real Egyptian princess.
|15||Princess Stella of Moldovia||The Princess is 42nd in line to throne of Moldavia and always reminds people how royal she is.||Blonde and lovely. Wears a beautiful gown and a royal tiara.||Actually not a Princess, really a spy - known by Jules Bond and Mata Hairie||Pinky Beasts||Is the French clock real of fake?||2||Real||I am Princess Stella of Moldovia, 42nd in line to the throne, after all my uncles, and aunts and cousins. I am a Royal princess - I will graciously allow you to call me Your Royal Highness. Princesses are always gracious. Don't be too familiar with me. Even gracious princesses do not like familiarity.|
|16||Jeff Setter||Jeff is a male model - the new face of Cavlin Klaim. Has recently modelled acne cream but still has spots.||Jeff's trademark appearance includes tight jeans, a fashionable T-shirt and sunglasses.||Knows that Lucky Spurs cheats at cards. Caught him at it red-handed.||Alice Hairband||Has Lucky Spurs got cards hidden in his sleeves?||2||Yes. He cheats at cards!||Good afternoon. My name, sorry, is this my good side? Ah. My name is Jeff Setter. I'm the new face of Cavlin Klaim, so I'm sure you all recognise me from the pages of those glosy magazines. Spot cream is so important for a man these days, don't you think? Of course, if the spot cream actually works, I won't have a job any more. So it will be back to the casting couch for me.|
|18||T. J. "Lucky" Spurs||Lucky is a Poker player and gambler. He has pitted his wits and luck against the late Baroness.||Always carries playing cards - some up his sleeve. Dresses like a well-heeled cowboy.||Has been winning (by cheating!) at cards against the late Baroness. The Baroness owned him a lot of money.||Lucy Lastic||Does the Baroness pay her gambling debts?||2||Not always. She died owing me a lot of money.||Howdy folks. I'm T.J.
Spurs, T.J. "Lucky" Spurs.
Everybody calls me Lucky, on account of the fact that always
lucky! It's a gift, a miracle.
I hail from the US of A, and I've been on this side of the Pond for a few years now. I've been catching every poker table from Halifax to Bradford. Whenever you're in a gamblin' mood, I'm your man. Just call for T.J. "Lucky" Spurs.
|19||Clarissa Bradshaw||Clarissa is a sophisticated New York socialite. She has travelled extensively. An old friend of the late Baroness and a frequent guest at the manor.||Elegantly dressed at all times. Sometimes carries a cigarette holder and wears high-heeled shoes.||Has wanted to buy the antique clock., but the Baroness always refused.||Bertha Broadbotham||Have you ever tried to buy the Baroness's clock?||2||Yes, but the Baroness always refused!||Hi, there My name is
Clarissa Bradshaw. I come from New
York - Manhattan, to be precise. There
again, just to look at me, you'd know that.
I'm a very old friend of the Baroness. I've been a guest at the Manor many times. Even though I've travelled throughout Europe, Africa and Asia, but I've always made time for my old friend of the Baroness Arabella. Such a sad loss.
|20||Ian Beasts||Son of Amy Beasts. Adventurer and explorer. Well read and well-travelled.||Ian looks like a young Indiana Jones. Always wears a battered leather hat and carries a compass||Actually the Baroness's son. Kidnapped by Amy Beasts as a baby.||Molly Mahone||Who has travelled widely in Africa, apart from you?||2||Gabrielle Le Fee||Hi, I'm Ian Beasts.
I'm a well known explorer. I've been everywhere, from jungles to
deserts, tombs to dungeons. I've been
white-water rafting, and been seasick on all of the seven seas.
And now I've come back to visit my dear old mum, who I've not seen for ages. Ahhh...
|21||Rt. Hon. Alexander Snootipants||Alex is a world famous photographer. Artistic and temperamental. Has been photographing the late Baroness's house and grounds for years.||Wears very trendy and cool clothes. Always carries a state-of-the-art camera.||Discovered the real African artefact hidden in the grounds while taking photographs.||Pinky Beasts||Did you find anything lost in the grounds?||2||Yes. An African artefact that looked like a Hippo.||Hello,
everybody. Just let me take your
photograph - um, um.. I'm the Right
Honourable Alexander Snootipants. Oh,
yes, what a perfect shot, smile for the camera. Say cheese.
I'm a renown photographer -I've taked picures of everything and everyone - even the lovely Baroness. You can see some of my work here.
I really like to get into the subject I'm photgraphing, to study it from every angle, close-up, far away, even upside down.
|22||Mr. Basil Bossy||Postmaster General. Struts around as if he was a real General.||Always wears a suit and tie. Wears a medal (gained for long service).||Was asked by Lady Beatrix to replace the real clock with the fake one, by intercepting the Royal Mail. Actually, didn't do so!||Alice Hairband||Have you ever tampered with the Royal Mail, or stolen a parcel?||2||No, most certainly not!||Good afternoon to you all.
My name is Mister Basil Bossy.
I have worked for the Royal Mail all my life. I started as a humble postman, and worked
my way up. I am now the Postmaster
General, and I am in charge of
delivering the Royal Mail hereabouts.
I've even got a long service medal, which I polish every night before
going to bed.
The Royal Mail is vital. It must all always get through, though it may rain or shine. The Royal Mail must be delivered, be there frost, or snow, or ice, or even sunshine.
|23||Gabrielle Le Fee||Gabrielle is a famous ballet dancer. She has travelled and performed all over the world.||Always very refined and elegant. Often wears a ballet outfit (including tutu).||Travelled and performed in Africa. Knows that some of the late Baroness's African artefacts are fake.||Meg Mystic||Who knows what happened to the Baroness's son?||2||Lucrecia Diva||Darings, let me introduce myself, I am The amazing Gabrielle Le Fee ! I am an amazing ballet dancer of the highest calibre. Themost amazing ballet dancer of the century. I have danced my way across the world, not once, not twice, but three times_amazing But with my amazingng talent, what else could I do ? My public just adore me!!|
|24||Madame Foo Foo||Madame is a famous French fashion designer. She has frequently designed clothes for the late Baroness.||Has a very avant garde sense of dress. Always wears brightly coloured clothes and ornate jewelry.||Tried to steal the clock in collusion with George Timepiece.||Lucy Lastic||Who knows that the Baroness has a son?||2||Georgy Porgy||Ooo La La. I am Madame
Foo Foo, the famous French fashion designer.
Chanel, pah - my designs are much more stylish. De la Choix - pah. My designs have much more style. Armani - pah. My designs have far more style.
I have designed stylist clothes for the baroness - just look at her photographs. Such style!
|25||Mr. Georgy Porgy||Mr. Porgy is the Headmaster of a posh public school (Rishworth?).||A strict school teacher. Often wears a masters cape and mortarboard and carries a book of poetry.||Knows that the Baroness had a son. Has been schooling him for years. The son is unawake of his real parentage.||Bertha Broadbotham||Does the Baroness have a son?||2||Yes, but he was kidnapped a baby.||Good afternoon, boys and girls - oh, and parents too. Got to keep the parents happy you know -
that's wher ethe money is.
I am Mister Porgy - Georgy to my close chums. Yes, that's right - Georgy Porgy. And I do like pie.
I am headmaster of that posh public school Heathfield. I am of the old school, and I believe that children should be beaten regularly.
|26||George Timepiece||George is an eccentric antiques dealer, specialising in clocks and watches.||Wears a tweed jacket and cravat. Always wears several watches, and sometimes carries a clock.||Constructed two fake clocks (each a copy of one of the late Baroness's famous artefacts).||Molly Mahone||Have you ever made fake copies of any antique clocks or watches?||2||Yes, but only twice.||Tick, tock. Tick,
tock. There's always a clock in my
head. George Timepiece is the
name. Tick, tock. Tick, tock.
I have been dealing in antique clocks and watches for many years, and I have never found one I could not fix. Sometimes you just have to talk to them. Tick, tock. Tick, tock.
|27||Professor J. J. "Nutty" McNut||Professor McNut is a famously mad scientist. Seems to have developed a crazy laugh in recent years. Has been seen visiting the Baroness late at night.||Always wears a white lab coat and very shiny black shoes.||Been working on a secret process to make fake artefacts look like the real thing. Has tried out his process on some Egyptian artefacts - and then sold the artefacts to the Baroness.||Alice Hairband||Why did you visit the Baroness?||2||To make sure that the fake Egyptian artefacts were still fooling her.||Har, Har. Who me? I'm
Professor J.J. McNut. Har, har, that's Professor Nutty McNut. I'm a
professor, har,har. I do secret, har, har, sorry, I mean "hush,
hush" stuff. Har, har.
I have made some crazy discoveries, har, har, and invented some cracking stuff. Har har. You'd never believe the stuff I can do. No one ever beleives I can do stuff like that! Har, har, HAR.
|28||Jerry Moneybags||Eastend dealer and stockbroker. He had been known to advise the late Baroness on investments and money matters.||Wears red braces and a red tie. Always carries loadsa money (in wads).||Has been ripping off the Baroness for years - investing her money and keeping some of the profits for himself. Doesn't actually understand the stock market at all - just pot luck! Also been ripping off Matt Ursnott||Pinky Beasts||Do you fuly understand the Stock Market?||2||What's a Stock Market?||Wotcha. Me name's Jerry
Moneybags. I've got loads money. I've been trading ever since I was a boy -
started in a market in the East End of London. I've worked me way up to Todmorden Flea
Market, then Oldham Market, before discovering me full potential in the Stock
If you've got money to invest, I'm your man.
|30||Dollar Moss||An American racing car driver. Dollar has been a frequent visitor to the home of the late Baroness.||Dollar usually wears overalls and driving gloves. Often carries his most recent racing trophy.||On the instructions of the Baroness, stole the African artefact and replaced it with a copy he made himself. Lost the real artefact when he was chased by Mulch.||Lucy Lastic||Did you steal anything from the Manor?||2||Yes, but I was asked to do it by the Baroness.||Vrrrm, vrrrrm. I'm Dollar
Moss, champion racing driver from the US.
Since I was a kid, I raced everything: motorbikes, gokarts, formula 1
cars - even a giant tortoise once.
Racing is an expensive business - vrrrm, vrrrm - the cars cost a lot of money.
When I was a kid I used to carve my own trophies - now I just win them - vrrm, vrrm.
|31||Vincenzo Vincente||An Italian Playboy and member of the international yachting club.||Wears a blazer, cravat and sunglasses. Always ready for a Mediterranean cruise.||Has also lost money to Lucky Spurs.||Bertha Broadbotham||Have you lost money at card games?||2||Yes. I suspect Lucky Spurs of cheating!||Chaow, Bellos. Hare are
you all? I am Vincenzo Vincente. The fabulous Italian playboy you've all
been reading so much about in your
fabulous glossy magazines and on the fabulous Sky TV channels.
Everybody in Italy and everywhere I go with my yaght thinks I'm just fabulous. And I am fabulous.
|33||Lydia Lite||Lydia is a successful nightclub singer. Always in great demand.||Wears a slinky sequined dress and an elaborate hairdo.||Was an old friend of the Baron, before he met the Baroness. Knows that he wasn't really a Baron, but a Moldavian spy!||Lucy Lastic||Was the Baroness's husband really a Baron?||2||No!||Good morning. Yes, it is indeed morning to me. I'm Lydia Lite, and the night is my day,
and the day is my night. I'm not
usually up as early as this, but I've made a supreme effort.
I am a singer in the most wondeful little nightclub in world-renown Bacup. Being so close, I could just get here in time, even though the night is my day, and the day is my nght..
|34||Trinny Haddock||A renown celebrity chef. Famous for her fish dishes and prawn cocktails.||Often found wearing her chef's hat and carrying a wooden spoon - even when in evening dress!||Supposed to have supplied the food for the reading of the will. But, it actually all came from Sainsbury's!||Bertha Broadbotham||Do you do all your own cooking?||2||No, none of it!||Hello everybody. I'm
Trinny Haddock. You will have seen my
TV Cookery programme, which I do all by myself. My programme's so good, much better than
the Two Far Ladies - personally, I think they need to diet. And that Naked Chef chappie - well, he
really should keep his clothes on!
Today, we're going to be having a splendid spread, which I prepared earlier, all by myself. I always prepare everything all by myself
|35||Lucrecia Diva||The latest catwalk model and face of Chanel. Beautiful and glamorous. Has modelled clothes for the late Baroness.||Always dressed in the latest fashions. Has a penchant for large rings - preferably diamonds!||Was close to Bruce Danunder. Bruce has been buying her diamonds from his ill-gotten gains. But now separated from Bruce||Alice Hairband||Who has been buying you diamonds?||2||Bruce Danunder. But he doesn't buy me anything any more.||Good afternoon. I am a
world famous model, the new face of
Chanel. I am the new body of
Armani. I am the new legs of Pretty
Polly. I am Lucrecia Diva. I am Italian, I am Russian. I am all things to all people.
Modelling jewelry is my favourite. I just love diamonds. I have a passion for them. Diamonds are a girl's best friend, don't you know.
|36||Ivory Tinkle||A world famous concert pianist. Ivory has been giving private lessons to the late Baroness.||Always dresses as if about to give a recital. Very elegant and refined.||Met the Baroness years ago, when Ivory Tinkle played that piano in a sleasy nightclub.||Meg Mystic||Where did you learn to play the piano?||2||In a sleazy nightclub.||Hello. My name is Ivory
Tinkle. I play the piano in packed concert halls all over the world, from the
Albert Hall in London to the Sydney Opera House in Australia. My audiences love me - everyone enjoys my
I also give private piano lessons to the rich and famous.
I was the Baroness's friend - her best friend, her confidente, in who she confided everything. Well, almost everything.