Plot Step	Character	Script	Notes
Freddie Farr starts the reading of the will	Freddie Farr	We are gathered here this afternoon to read the last will and testament of the Baroness Arabella Rummun. She died recently under tragic and mysterious circumstances. The police haven't been able to find out what happened. Perhaps we will also find out what will happen to all these wonderful artefacts that the baroness has collected over the years.
Interrupts the reading of the will	Samantha Snoop	This is Samantha Snoop, Daily Herald. My sources say there is some thing funny going on at the Manor. Are these artefact real? My sources say that they're fakes!	Shouts out and interrupts Farr - PROMPT
	Freddie Farr	Fakes - of course not. How could they possibly be fakes.
	Samantha Snoop	I stole - I mean found - a report that said that the Baroness was a fraud, and that her taste in artefacts was rubbish!
	Freddie Farr	Does anyone think they're fakes?
	All	Fakes, fakes, fakes!
	Freddie Farr	Nonsense. The late Baroness has had these wonderful items for years. But, we had better make sure. I believe we have in the room an expert on Egyptian artefacts. Doctor Sue Diggett!
Dr. Diggett comes forward and inspects the artefacts carefully.	Dr. Sue Diggett	I've inspected these artefacts before, when I visited the Baroness. I'm sorry to say that all of the Egyptian artefacts are fake and therefore completely worthless.
	Freddie Farr	You knew about these Egyptian artefacts?
	Dr. Sue Diggett	I knew they were fake, but I didn't tell anyone. I didn't want to upset the Baroness. Oh, I wish I had told her this before!
	Freddie Farr	But where did the fake Egyptian artefacts come from? Does anyone know?
	All	Arfer Dailly sold them
	Freddie Farr	Mr. Arfer Dailly, the well-known businessman. Did you sell these things to the Baroness?
Arfer Dailly steps forward.	Arfur Dailly	I admits that I sold that Egyptian stuff to the Baroness. But I bought it all in good faith! Me gear's always good. Ask anyone!
	Freddie Farr	But who knows who sold the fake artefacts to Arfer Dailly? Does anyone know?
	All/Arfer	Professor Nutty McNut!
	Freddie Farr	Professor McNut. Do come forward.
Arfer Dailly bought the Egyptian artefacts from Prof McNut.	Professor Nutty McNut	Har, har, har. Yes, Yes, I did it, it was me. It's my secret process for making fake Egyptian artefacts seem just like the real thing. I fooled Arfer Dailly. I nearly fooled you all. Har, har HAR!
	Freddie Farr	But why did you do it?
	Professor Nutty McNut	I needed the money for my secret experiments. I only got a few quid for them, anyway. Arfur Dailly must have thought I was stupid, or something.
What about the other artefacts? Check on each kind of artefacts.	Freddie Farr	Oh my goodness. And I thought these wonderful pieces were completely genuine and extremely valuable! I think we must check on all the other items in the collection. Does anyone think anything else is fake?

	All	What about the clock?
	Freddie Farr	The clock - who knows about clocks? Ah, I know - we'll ask Princess Stella. Your Royal Highness. Would you care to step forward?
Checking the Antique French Clock	Princess Stella of Moldovia	Let me inspect the clock. I have lots of clocks just like this in my gracious palaces back home in Moldavia.
	Freddie Farr	Please look closely, your Royal Highness, and tell us all whether the clock is real.
Inspects the clock closely	Princess Stella of Moldovia	Oh yes, this is the genuine article. A gracious example of a seventeenth century French clock, in very good condition. Absolutely priceless.
	Freddie Farr	Well, I wonder if anyone would be interested in buying the clock? I believe Ms. Bradshaw was interested.
Offer to buy clock.	Clarissa Bradshaw	It's a marvelous clock. I've been after it for years, but the Baroness wouldn't sell it to me. If one of you inherits the clock in the Baroness's will - well, just let me say that I'll offer you a lot of money for it.
Clock is actually real!	Freddie Farr	So the clock is completely genuine. And worth a lot of money, I'm sure. Someone is going to be very rich!
	Freddie Farr	Perhaps we should hear from the person who sold the clock to the Baroness. Miss Classy Galore?
Hear from the seller of the clock	Classy Galore	Let me have a look. Yes, it's true - I sold this clock to the Baroness years ago. One of my gentlemen friends left it with me, before he went off polar-bear hunting. He never did come back (giggles)
	Freddie Farr	But is this the real clock?
Checks clock closely. Seems surprised	Classy Galore	Yes, it's the real thing all right.
	Freddie Farr	Well that seems conclusive them. But we have another expert in clocks in the room - Mister George Timepiece. Mr. Timepiece - could you cast your eyes over this?
Inspects clock closely	George Timepiece	Well, well, there's a thing, tick, tock. I know this clock - the Baroness sent it to me to be cleaned and repaired a few years ago.
	George Timepiece	And then a strange thing happened - not one, but two people paid me to make copies of the clock. And I did - they were excellent copies, could have fooled anyone, tick, tock. But this is the real thing, TICK, TOCK.
What happened to the fake clocks?	Freddie Farr	What's going on here? What happened to the fake clocks. And who asked you to make them?
First fake clock was sent to Madame Foo Foo.	George Timepiece	Well, I guess you should all know. Madame Foo Foo paid me to make a copy, tick, tock. I was supposed to send the fake clock back to the Baroness, and give the real one to her. But I fooled her. She's got a fake clock, and I sent the real one back in the post, TICK, TOCK.
	Madame Foo Foo	What? That can't be possible. You mean to tell me that the clock I have in my stylish home is fake? How could you play a trick like that on me, after all we have meant to each other? You have no style! Boo, hoo, hoo…
	Freddie Farr	Well, I guess Madame Foo Foo bought a fake clock, and that's what she got! But what about the second clock?
Second fake clock was given to Classy Galore	George Timepiece	I gave it to Miss Classy Galore, tickety, tock! I don't know what she wanted it for, tick, tock.
	Freddie Farr	Well, he's ticking along nicely. Does anyone know what Miss Galore wanted the clock for? Does anyone at all know?
	All	She wanted to get Basil Bossy to swap it for the real clock.
	Freddie Farr	Really? I'm sure that can't be true. Let's ask Miss Galore.
	Classy Galore	Well, yes, if you must know. I've always wanted that clock. I just love the way it tinkles. Now I'm not sure which one is which!
	Freddie Farr	But did Basil Bossy do it? Let's ask Mr. Bossy
The PostMaster General.	Basil Bossy	Miss Classy Galore approached me to intercept the Royal Mail, and swap the real clock for the fake one. But I couldn't do it - not after working for the Post Office for all these years. So, the clock that Mister Timepiece sent is the one that the Baroness received.
	Classy Galore	Oh, no! How could you? And after all the things I did for you. Boo, hoo, hoo…
	Freddie Farr	Well, it seems that Miss Galore also paid for a fake clock, and that's what she got, too. Now we know all the other artefacts are real, can we get on with the reading of the Will? Or does anyone think that there is a problem with any of the other artefacts?

	All	But what about the African artefacts? Are they real or fake?
African artefacts	Freddie Farr	Has anyone here travelled in Africa?
	All	Gabrielle Le Fee
	Freddie Farr	Perhaps Miss Gabrielle Le Fee may be able to help? Could you pirotte over here, please?
	Gabrielle Le Fee	I have travelled widely and performed amazingly in Africa. My amazing dancing is extremely popular everywhere. And I have picked up amazing souveneer from everywhere I've been.
Holds up Hippo	Freddie Farr	How about this one (Hippo)?
Gabrielle Le Fee comes forward and inspects the African artefacts closely. Picks out one item (Hippo bookend).	Gabrielle Le Fee	This one is not real. This Hippo is definitely a fake - look, you can see the marks where someone has carved it with a blunt knife! And the Patina is too dark to be real Amazing that anyone could ever have thought it genuine
	Freddie Farr	Oh, no, not again. Does anyone know what might have happened? Did anyone see a thief sneaking around?
Dollar spotted by Mulch the Gardener.	All	Mulch the Gardener saw someone sneaking around in the grounds
	Freddie Farr	Mr Mulch. Do you have something to tell us?
	Mulch the Gardener	Well, I was just potting some pansies, and I sees this bloke sneaking about. I sees it was Dollar Moss. And 'e was carrying somefin' in his hand.
Stolen by Dollar Moss	Freddie Farr	Well, well. Mr. Dollar Moss! Is there something you would like to tell us?
Asked to by the Baroness to sell it, and keep part of the proceeds of the sale. Also, whittled a replica	Dollar Moss	OK, OK, I admit it. I did steal the Hippo. And I carved a copy too!
	Freddie Farr	But why did you do it?
	Dollar Moss	The Baroness asked me to! She asked me to steal the Hippo, and leave the copy I carved. I was then supposed to sell the real Hippo, and give half the money to her. She said she needed the money desperately. Such a lovely woman. So beautiful.
Photo of Baroness?	Freddie Farr	Yes, I can see that. But why did the Baroness need the money? Does anyone know?
Needed the money to pay gambling debts	All	She lost all her money to T.J. "Lucky" Spurs
	Freddie Farr	Mr. T. J. Spurs! Have you been playing cards with the late Baroness?
	Lucky Spurs	Call me Lucky. Lucky by name, lucky by nature. I always seem to win. Yes, I won against the Baroness in many games of cards. She still owes me the money.
	Freddie Farr	I don't think gambling debts can be paid out of a person's will. So you won't be getting money here today! Is there anyone else here who has lost money to Mr. Spurs?
	All	Vincenzo Vincente, and Jeff Setter
	Freddie Farr	Perhaps Vincenzo Vincente would like to make a statement?
	Vincenzo Vincente	Well, ah, I've been pitting my fabulous wits and luck against Mr. Spurs. He always seems to win. It's uncanny. I suspect he cheats! Against me, the fabulous Vincenzo.	Italian Accent?
	Freddie Farr	So what has Mr. Spurs got to say to that?
	Lucky Spurs	That's not true. Always play fair, that's me. Lucky by name, Lucky by nature.
	Freddie Farr	And what about Jeff Setter. Do you have anything to add?
Caught cheating at cards by Jeff Setter	Jeff Setter	I've seen Mr. so-called Lucky Spurs cheating at cards! I caught him at it redhanded. I bet he's got a Ace or two up his sleeves right this very minute!
	Freddie Farr	Well, let's see…	Pulls cards from Lucky Spurs clothing
	Freddie Farr	Well that proves it I'm sure we can leave Mr. Jeff Setter and Mr. Vincenzo Vincente to "sort out" Lucky Spurs later on!	Minders?

Baroness had made a number of poor investments - guided by Jerry Moneybags	Freddie Farr	But back to the Baroness's will. Surely the Baroness was very wealthy? What happened to all her money? Perhaps we should hear from the Baroness's personal financial advisor, Mr. Jerry Moneybags. Mr. Moneybags, could you step forward, please?
	Jerry Moneybags	I have been the Baroness's personal financial advisor for many years. But investments can go down as well as up, and at the moment they are going down.
	Freddie Farr	So the Baroness has been losing money.
	Freddie Farr	Mr. Moneybags - what do you know about the Stock Market.
	Jerry Moneybags	Well, it's a market for Stocks. It's all a complete mystery to me - I just buy things I fancy, and sometimes I get lucky!
	Freddie Farr	So you don't know about markets and futures then? No wonder that the Baroness has been losing money!

	Freddie Farr	But we still don't know what happened to the real African Hippo? Does anyone know? Perhaps Mr. Mulch can help?
	Mulch the Gardener	I chased Dollar Moss. But he was too fast for me. He got away, 'e did. But I sees him drop something in the grounds. Couldn't find it when I looks, though.
Dropped the artefact somewhere in the grounds. But managed to escape from Mulch's pursuit!	Freddie Farr	So, I wonder what happened to the dropped Hippo? This is the real one, I think. Does anyone know?
	All	Alex Snootipants found it!
Artefact found by Alex Snootipants, while taking photographs in the Manor grounds	Freddie Farr	The Honorable Alexander Snootipants, indeed. Did you find the African artefact?
Hidden somewhere inside the Manor	Alex Snootipants	Well, you know, I was just taking a few artistic photographs in the grounds, when I saw a very strange man rush past, chased by that madman gardener. The strange man dropped something right in front of me, and I picked it up. I took it into the Manor.
	Freddie Farr	And then what did you do with it?
	Alex Snootipants	Ah, well, you know, I was so distracted by the subject of my artistic photographs that I've completely forgotten where I put it!
	Freddie Farr	So how can we find out where the real Hippo went? Has anyone been watching the house?
	All	Jules Bond!
	Freddie Farr	Mr. Bond. So good of you to join us this afternoon. Is there anything you can tell us?
Observed by Jules Bond	Jules Bond	I am a member of a secret organisation. I could tell you it's name, but then I'd have to kill you. Sufficient to say that I have been watching the Manor and grounds.
	Freddie Farr	But why were you watching the Manor.
	Jules Bond	I can't tell you that. You won't get any information out of me!
	Freddie Farr	Does anyone know what Mr. Bond has been up to? What has he been watching the Manor?
	All	He's trying to find out what happened to the Baron!
	Freddie Farr	So, Mr. Bond, did you find out what happened?
	Jules Bond	No, I never found out. It's a mystery!
	Freddie Farr	But if Mr. Bond can't find out what happened, will we ever know? Unless, the Baron's old friends can help? Do we have any old friends of the Baron here?
	All	How about Lydia Lite?
	Freddie Farr	Miss Lite? Would you care to step forward? Anything you'd like to tell us?
"Baron" Gustav was on a secret mission.	Lydia Lite	Gustav and I were old friends, from when I was first singing in the nightclub. We spend our nights together, because the night is my day, and the day is my night. He wasn't really a Baron you know. I was just a cover story. He was really a spy, and was on a secret mission here in England.
	Freddie Farr	Gosh, A spy. What happened to him?
	Lydia Lite	I don't know. I knew he had met and married Arabella - she wasn't really a Baroness, you know Then he was supposed to go on another secret mission. I never heard of him again, in the night or in the day.
	All	Ahh…..
	Freddie Farr	So does anyone know what happened to the so-called Baron?
	All	The Baron rescued Mata Hairie
	Freddie Farr	Miss Mata Hairie? Could you tell us you part of this story?
Rescued Mata Hairie	Mata Hairie	A long time ago, I was a spy, as well as an exotic dancer. I'm retired now, of course. And I was on a secret mission, with Gustav Rummun, who you know as the Baron. He was so exotic!
	Freddie Farr	What happened?
	Mata Hairie	We were being chased by enemy agents agross a narrow bridge. I slipped and nearly fell. Gustav resued me from certain death. He's my hero. But then he fell - to his certain death!
	Freddie Farr	What a sad story. So the Baron wasn't really a Baron, but he was a genuine hero!
	All	Ahhhh…

	Freddie Farr	But we still haven’t fond out what happened to the real African Hippo! Can Jules Bond tell us anything about that?
	Jules Bond	OK, just this once. I saw Alex Snootipants bring the real Hippo into the Conservatory. He put it down behind a chair.
	Freddie Farr	Ahh. Good job someone around here knows what's going on. Mr. Ian Beasts. You've done lots of exploring in jungles - coud you find the real African Hippo in the Conservatory? If you find it, bring it straight here!
Ian Beasts finds the Hippo
	Freddie Farr	Thank you. Gosh, look. There's something stuck to the bottom of the Hippo! Perhaps it's a CLUE?
	Ian Beasts	"Check the Backgammon." I play backgammon. It's my favourite game. And I play chess, that's my favourite game too. And I play hockey. Actualy, thinking about it, that's my favourite. Of course, I play rugby - that's really my favourite game. I've got many favorite games.
Real Hippo has a clue (secret message) attached to it - look under the backgammon set	Freddie Farr	What can that mean? There's only one backgammon set in the Manor.
	Ian Beasts	OK, so where's the backgammon set?
	Freddie Farr	Go have a look, then.
Finds birth certificate for Ian
	Ian Beasts	It's a birth certificate. "Born to Arabella Rummun, 23rd November 1974, a son." There's no name, though.
	Freddie Farr	A son? I didn’t know that the Baroness had a son. I've never seen any son at the manor! Did anyone know that the Baroness has a son?
	All	Mr. Georgy Porgy
	Freddie Farr	Mr. Porgy. Headmaster, would you care to step forward?
	Georgy Porgy	Yes, I would like to make a statement. The Baroness confided in me that she had a child years ago. But he was kidnapped years ago - I don't know who by.
	Freddie Farr	Is that all you can tell us?
	Georgy Porgy	I once heard someone say that the Baroness's long lost son was at my school! But I have never been able to find out who it is.
	Freddie Farr	So, does anyone know what happened to the Baroness's son?
	All	Lucrecia Diva
	Freddie Farr	Miss Diva. Do you want to say something?
	Lucrecia Diva	Yeah, I know what happened. But you're better off asking Bruce Danunder. He's been looking for the Baroness's son for years.
	Freddie Farr	Do go on.
	Lucrecia Diva	The Baroness has been paying Bruce Danunder to find the lost son for years and years. He used to buy me jewelry and diamonds with the money - but he doesn't like me any more!
	Freddie Farr	Mr. Danunder! Can you shed any light
	Bruce Danunder	G'day. Well, it's like this. The old Baroness has pots of money, and I thought she wouldn’t mind me getting a few quid now and then.
	Freddie Farr	But you never found the long lost son?
	Bruce Danunder	Oh, yeah Mate, I did. Took all of two days. But I never told the Battleaxe - I mean Baroness. She would have stopped paying me!
	Freddie Farr	Well, that's disgraceful.. The least you can do is tell us who the son is, right now.
	Bruce Danunder	Oh, all right. It's him - Ian Beasts. He's the Baroness's son.
	All	Ohhh…
	Pinky Beasts	No, no, that's not right. He's my son!	Screams
	Freddie Farr	Well, here's a to-do. How are we to find out whether Ian Beasts is really the Baroness's son. I know, we'll ask the Baroness's oldest friend - Miss Ivory Tinkle.
Knew the Baroness when they were both dancers in a night club.	Ivory Tinkle	It's true. I've known the Baroness for ever and ever - since she worked as a waitress in a nightclub, where I used to play the piano. And I know that the Baroness did have a son, and that he was kidnapped as a baby.
	Freddie Farr	But how can we tell whether young Ian here is the Baroness's son or not?
	Ivory Tinkle	The Baroness once confided in me. She said her son had a red birthmark in the shape of a heart on his arm.
	Freddie Farr	Ah, indeed. And does Ian Beasts have such a birthmark?
	Ian Beasts	Yes, here it is.
Kidnapped Ian Beasts as a baby	Freddie Farr	So, Pinky Beasts. What do you have to say for yourself?
	Pinky Beasts	(Sobs) Yes, I did steal Ian away when he was just a baby. I couldn’t bear the thought of that beautiful infant being brought up in a place without books and music. I thought I could give him a much better upbringing.
	Freddie Farr	So, Ian Beasts is really the son of the Baroness?
	Pinky Beasts	Yes, yes, it is true. (sobs)
	Freddie Farr	But why did the Baroness die in such mysterious circumstances? Does anyone here know why the Baroness was killed?
	All	Rt. Hon Phoebe "Hammy" Hamilton
	Hammy Hamilton	Super! I think I have worked it out. Pinky Beasts realised that the late Baroness was close to finding out where her son was. So, someone had to murder the her before that happened, to keep it secret.
	Freddie Farr	So who was it? Who killed the Baroness.
Pinky Beasts is revealed as the murderer of the Baroness.	Hammy Hamilton	It was her, Pinky Beasts. She must have done it. So dishonourable!
	Pinky Beasts	(Sobs) Oh, woe is me. I confess, I murdered the Baroness. She would have taken my son away from me.
	Freddie Farr	Inspector! Arrest that woman!
Arrested by Inspector Herring	Inspector Herring	Come along now, my girl. Let's have you down at the station. We need to ask you a few questions.

	Freddie Farr	Well, finally, can we have a look at the will? Well, I won't bore you by reading out all the legal jargon. Basically it says that the bulk of the Baroness's fortune will go to her long-lost son, if he can be found
	All	Hoorah
	Freddie Farr	Just as well we've found out that Ian is the son - otherwise, all of the Baroness's money would have gone to a cat's home!
	All	Ohhh…
	Freddie Farr	Perhaps Ms. Clarrisa Bradshaw would like to renew her offer to buy the clock?
Offers to buy clock for lots of money	Clarrisa Bradshaw	Oh, yes, I'll certainly buy the clock. I've got my checkbook here somewhere.
	Freddie Farr	It seem that Ian will be very rich after all. There's a section in the Will here. It seems that there is enough of the Baroness's estate left to give everyone attending enough for a drink!

The food suppliers	Freddie Farr	Finally, it just falls to me to thank Miss Trinny Haddock, the world famous chef, preparing the wonderful food we have enjoyed this afternoon. I understand thatTrinny has been supplying meals to the Baroness for years and years.
	Trinny Haddock	Well, actually I have a secret, too. I never cook anything at all really - it all comes from Sainsbury's! That's the only way I could possibly do it. That's why I have to work all by myself!	Trinny may need to leave the party early - move earlier??

Note: if one character is not available (does not come to the party), then Farr will read out a letter from the missing character.